Holidays Away From Home

Many times in life we are presented with opertunites that are wonderful however quite difficult emotionally. This year I am for the first time in my life I will be spending Christmas/New Years away from home and my family.
 Not because I don't want to go...but because I am working for the Eugene Opera Company in the chorus. This is my second season with them...my third opera, its very exciting! Right now we are doing Le Nozze di Figaro, definatly one of my favorite Mozart pieces. It's really great, I even got the part as one of the Due Donne, or the two flower maids. It is pretty hilarious, my friend and I have the cuttest little sarcastic duet.
The only real downer to this entire thing is that I don't get to be with my family for Christmas. I guess there could be worse things, but it is just sad! I really don't even know the next time that I will be going home...or that I will see my family. I feel like this is the first of many Christmas' without my family...well the first of many missed family events! Its a very weird and lonely feeling. I think it would be different if I was married or something like that but is the type of thing that just kinda stinks... i mean my family couldn't even afford to come out here for the holidays or even see the opera!
I will say this I am so blessed to have the greatest and wonderful roomate!!!!!! I am staying with her family for this little holiday season. They are all AMAZING and have been so great in taking me in and making me feel at home!!! LOVE YOU JESS!!!!!
This is one of the oddest bittersweet feelings ever...it just adds to the whole thing with my sister moving back to our hometown this summer. It has been pretty lonely. Don't get me wrong... I have the greatest friends in the world!... But family is a big deal to me!!!and I feel like people are more lonely when we don't have at least a few people that aren't allowed to leave you alone...they are kind of stuck in your life! Some people think that big families are weird because everyone is in everybody elses bussines... well its exactly right! It's not just people intricatly in my life but deeply caring about each and every boring day and boring detail that happens to me... putting up with my irrational emotions, crazy out bursts and breakdowns. Not saying that friends are not there for such things but it just doesn't feel the same.
My dad and I talked a lot about this whole thing...he knew that this year and the holidays were going to be hard and very lonely... this of course makes him concerned about looking for confort in stupid boys! And yes I do think that this whole stiuation makes me just want to not be lonely anymore and go get myself a man! It makes me very emotionally frusterated. I know that there is no one in my life at this moment that I can even see myself dating...but still i feel like that if a guy asked me out I would just go with it because I am sick of being single and lonely...and put all reson aside and go and fall for guys that are just not right for me. Bah!!! I really don't know if any of this makes sense?!?! But HONESTLY!...I just feel unreasonably sad and lonley!!!

Some Princes Start as Frogs!!

I have the feeling that Superchic[k] had it right and at the moment all guys are boys! And when searching for the "One" I really would prefer a man! Now don't get me wrong there are some really amazing guys in my life. BUT speaking as a person who has never dated but has had her share of "things" with guys...I feel like it's always catch and release..."oh throw that one back...he's too little...give him a few years"  Now not saying that I am the most mature person in the world but I feel like I have a desent handle on what I want out of life and a focus in my relationship with God that I have a direction in my life. I am no where near perfect but I acknowledge my weaknessess and admit my weakness. Like I said the other day I really just don't like anyone right now! I feel like I am finally realizing the reason that God has never let me date. Every time I have gotten close it just wasn't right, I knew that those boys were not what I was looking for and that if I would have dated them I would be so inthroled in a relationship with them that my realationship with God would not have been as strong. Besides I have learned so much about myself by going through the process of not getting to date! You have to trust God so much... and the being lonely is the worst!! But when you can be like 'ok God it's just you and me!' that is the best! I know that I want to be married and have kids! I know that life is somewhere in my future. However I hate the young christian world that tells you that there is something wrong with you if you don't get married young. Obviously no one says that out right, but really every person in church and my family and so many of my friends..." so you have a boyfriend yet?" " better get on that!" " when are you getting married?" BAH!! Really people! Early twenties!!... i'm a baby!!! My life is full of school, music and traveling! Unless you find me a MAN that can keep up... i'm sorry..quite wasting my emotions and time!! I am sorry that this is a complete ramble but just saying it out loud helps me too! I am an independant woman who just wants to do what God wants me to do!!! And I want a man who is trying his best to do God's will...and we just happen to go try to do God's will together!!!!

All princes start as frogs and all gentlemen as dogs
Just wait till it's plain to see
What we're growing up to be
Cause Some frogs will still be frogs
And Some dogs will still be dogs
Some boys could become men
Just don't kiss us 'til then.

Song: the anatomy of the soul

Sadly it has been quite a while since I wrote and in all reality I should be writting a paper right now. But no matter I thought I would jot a few thoughts down.

The last few months I feel like I have been on quite an emotional roller coaster. Just one thing after, a few things life changing but more little frustrating situations that are out of my hands. However the last few days especially, it has been really weird. I feel very settled about so many things...it's almost unsettling because I feel very comfortable at the  moment. Onyx is great, I have an awesome roommate that is so supportive of everything that I do, LOVE YOU JESS! And!! for once in my life I really truly don't "like" anyone...at all. I mean of course there are those guys that I think are cute or whatever and if they asked me out  I would consider, but I don't LIKE them, I don't feel any type of infatuation or meaningful attachment to any of them. It's really kinda weird! I know God has someone out there for me but just not right now!  I think this is good...a little less stressful! LOL...boys kinda stress me out!

School is going good. Each day I sing, I just want to sing more and more...I sang in voice studio yesterday and I am so addicted! I just really love performing, and I feel like my voice is really getting somewhere. I really do feel like I am more focused on singing right now! I love how happy it makes me! When I sing it's like every emotion or feeling that is screaming inside of me flows out through every pour of my being. And it's not just my voice something happens to every fiber of my body, it's pure ecstasy. You know those moments in your life that it feels as if God is literally huging you and you can feel His presence in a very literal sense!...Its like that!!! Without trying to sound all "holier then thou"...Singing feels like its what God made me to do. :)

Recording for Drama WorkshopChoir :)My Dad and I singing our arrangment of O Come, O Come Emmanuel, with Alyssa dancingOnyx SistersChanber Choir

My Brazilian Opera buddy!

Meet Me in St Louis

Judy Garland ... Esther Smith

Margaret O'Brien ... 'Tootie' Smith

Mary Astor ... Mrs. Anna Smith

Lucille Bremer ... Rose Smith

Leon Ames ... Mr. Alonzo Smith

Tom Drake ... John Truett

Marjorie Main ... Katie - Maid

Harry Davenport ... Grandpa

June Lockhart ... Lucille Ballard

Henry H. Daniels Jr. ... Lon Smith Jr.

Joan Carroll ... Agnes Smith

If you didn't already notice from my profile... I LOVE classic movies! There is something about that is so much more fantastical and romantic then most modern movies. I have a serious case of hopeless romantic.

The other night I watched one of my all time favorites...Meet Me in St Louis. When I was younger, to the annoyance of my older sister, I was obsessed with this movie. I am pretty sure I watched it at least once a day for the better part of a year!

For those of you that are unfamiliar with the movie, it is the story focuses on a middle class family (The Smiths) that live in St. Louis right at the turn of the century. The whole town is a buzz with the upcoming opening of the World's Fair, and the family faces the emotional possibility of having to move from their beloved St. Louis. Judy Garland plays Esther, a heart sore 17 year old that is in love with John Truett (a young, dreamy Tom Drake) or as the song puts it The Boy Next-door. A brilliant cast, amazing story and an orchestration of beautiful emotion and song!

Often times when I watch this movie I place myself in Esther Smiths shoes. She is in love with a boy that, at first, doesn't even know that she exists...and when they do meet, she does all she can to create opportunity for him to make a move, but he tends to mess up any romantic situations. I can't help but feel her pain, growing up with a fairytale fantasy of how a romance should pan out, and in any attempt to create this fantasy life feels and usually IS completely futile! Yet every time I watch this movie I am swept away in future prospects of romance! I long to be noticed and carried away...OK now I just sound cheesy! But it's true...many, well most girls want, not only to be noticed but, to be swept away, to be loved and cared for by a tall, dark and handsome man (well, that's my type a guy;)) It's the want and need to feel the approval from a man. It's part of our little womanly curse!

"...Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

Genesis 3:16b

Yeah, so if you haven't guessed I am not an overly liberal woman. Yes, I think that women should be their own person and even have an awesome career...that is not what I am talking about! No matter how independent a woman is... her emotions are wired this way! This is a "Man's World", yes we are equal in brilliance and thought but face it ladies...God made us the gentler sex. As a very free thinking, independent, single woman in 2009, this can be a constant struggle because it is not in some of us to come off as the helpless damsel in distress! But if you are anything like me... you don't want to wear the pants in a relationship... a man needs to be a MAN!! This actually gives you a chance to feel girly and not like you have to be the domineering, decisive one!

One of my favorite scenes in that movie is when Esther comes to John's porch to apologize for the previous scene, when she attempted to beat him up for supposedly hitting her little sister Trudy. Of course He didn't do anything of the sort...Trudy fibbed to get out of trouble. But anyhow Esther apologizes, and proceeds to leave but John tries to make up an excuse for her to stay a moment more...and just as she is sadly about to leave... he grabs her by the arms and kisses her! Shocked in the best way, she looks at him and says "You know you have an awful strong grip...for a boy!" smiles, but still flustered runs back to her house!

The moment is priceless in one instant, caught up in strength and love!! ~sigh~ Sounds great!!! Sadly I have yet to meet my John Truett, but I do think that he is out there!! I am not the most patient person in the world but I know he is worth the wait!!

one more step... to growing up!

Often times throughout my life I have found moments that I feel like I have to be very grown-up. Some of these moments seem perfectly natual, some caused by unwelcome outside forces in which I feel that I am in a helpless situation and I can either grow up and bear it... or take it like a child and just simply curl up on the floor and cry. I am an adult and want to be able to handle whatever situation "like a big girl" but at times this seems like an all too difficult task.

Well, once again God and life are presenting me with a chance to step out on my own and be a grown-up... My older sister Lysha and my brother-in-law Christopher have lived in about ten minutes away from me for the last couple of years...Lysha and I are really close… so it’s been great! We see each other when we want and we are always there when we need someone who really understands us...we defiantly have our own lives but we are a part of each other's.

Within this last month or so both of our lives have been changed. On July 16th Lysha gave birth to my beautiful niece Zoey Kay. She is a beautiful joy and I am so happy to be a part of her life. However a small hitch... Lysha and Chris have been wanting to move to Rapid City, SD (the town Lysha and I spent a good portion of childhood in) and now God has made a way...Lysha got a job as a 3rd and 4th grade teacher at the private school in our home church...my mom is a teacher there and both my little sisters attend. It's a great job and a great opportunity for Lysha. Plus they will be close to our parents... Chris's parents are even talking about moving out here to be close to them...I think this really is a God thing and I am so excited about the possibilities for them.

I can't help feeling sad that I can't see them whenever I want. Now every time I see my niece she will have grown a lot and she may not even recognize me!! Since I moved to Eugene, Lysha and Chris's has been my refuge...the place I go when I feel like I can't handle things or I just need to chill out! That place is now gone!

On the other hand this is it... I am a young woman on my own… independent of legal family ties and no immediate family to look over my shoulder.

I can't help feeling like a small child that longs and loves the independence given her however when the going gets tough, there is nothing more that I want to do then run to my big sis or mom and get some good advice!! My family has always been super close and now I feel so separated!

I know this is going to be really hard! And I know that with God's help I will be ok! I have amazing friends and extended family that are so supportive...thank God!!!

Dear Jesus,

Once again I am placing myself in your hands! I trust you! Help me in my own weakness! Let me find comfort when I am lonely and refuge in your love and peace! Thank you for all that you are and for what you are doing in my life and the lives of my family members!! I love you!!

Amen

Zoey Kay Doss taken by Seth Magee

Starshine Greeting!!!...My response to the Earth

Well hello to all you out there!! Wherever the proverbial "out there" is... so...if no one minds I'm going to ramble for a few seconds... (Ha-ha you're not going to stop me!! even if you wanted to... it's my blog!!) This blog is meant for really whoever and whatever.... I will be posting my thoughts! Crazy, dull, deep or silly! This is to get me actually writing!! So comment, enjoy and give a little opinion!